In December 2019, I decided that the following year would be a better one for me. So I listed things to do and projects to complete. My goal was that everything in that list should be crossed-out, accomplished. Then my body pain got worse,Taal Volcano erupted, Covid19 entered and my father got sick.
By March 2020, Switzerland went into semi-lockdown. Everything I wanted to do has taken a backseat. As if the lockdown was my excuse to carry the pain and fear in my body and mind, to not do anything. I was anxious, my body was in pain and I cried not only because of what seems like helplessness but it felt that I am not going anywhere. Goodness, gracious, I am 50. What am I doing with my life?
In my head, I started to create a more positive scenario. My day as a Nanay in a pandemic went on. As the semi-lockdown started to ease up, my therapy restarted and slowly my body received the re-education, love and care it needed.
I remember during one of my sessions, my physiotherapist asked me why I couldn't lean down. Trying hard to concentrate on my movement, I answered: I was afraid. There, said it. That word- that noun which became a verb, chained me - my body and being. And at that moment, it felt as if the chain was loosening up slowly. It was an emotional moment because for the very first time I admitted that I was afraid.
It encompasses not only the body pain but everything in my life. As if the little girl who decided not to jump in the river became bold enough and jumped anyway, she might not be able to swim the way she wanted but nevertheless enjoyed the waves of the many seas of this wonderful world and is grateful for that. VERY GRATEFUL.
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