It's truly a blessing that at this age and time, I am given the chance to finally get to know myself. At first, I am ashamed of saying it out loud, here, admitting to the whole Universe that I do not know who I truly am. This is not about the midlife crisis, I am past that. This is about focusing and re-learning to love me, starting the journey that my soul was set up to do.
Understanding that loving one's self is not selfish but is paramount to one's mental health and overall well-being. Letting go of a job because one's health is important is not selfish. Keeping in mind that not cleaning the kitchen and resting is ok because my body reclaims it. That I should not shoulder everything just to feel validated as a mother and as a person. Besides, it's not the end of the world if the house is not organized my way.
My body needs rest and lots of loving and caring from me. From me first and not anyone else. Family and friends are there, then an important question popped up. Are you there for YOU?
Growing up, I was not given that chance to express my true self. Always hiding, always in fear. Maybe being quiet is better than being given the full attention and then labeled a fool.
I do not want embarrassment. So I stayed quiet. I obeyed. I helped. I hide my true self. But just like everything, the truth will come out. In any way, in any form. Something will trigger it. And one has to be conscious of that.
However, the most beautiful thing happened to me. I was finally diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. What I have has finally a name. Then I stayed home leaving a job where my help is needed. There it is again. Help. Not realizing that it was the same word that my body was trying to convey and ignored for the longest time.
There are many things happening now, yet in spite of that what keeps me focused is the LOVE that I haven't given to myself.
I am healing. Slowly but surely putting myself out there. Not caring about being labeled a fool. I am creating. Loving myself more. Embracing that little girl. Healing.
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